Showing Up

This quarter in my Masters program feels different. I noticed at the beginning of the quarter that I was lacking motivation. That lack of motivation was due to the fact that I was going to miss having more time for myself. The lack of motivation that I am feeling now at week 5 is different. I am exhausted and don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I am not excited about my classes and my program. I am able to get things done, but finding the motivation to do things is becoming harder. I am starting to question “ Is this for me if I am not motivated or excited about it?”

Despite the exhaustion and lack of motivation, I managed to make time to exercise daily this week. I cooked dinner for myself everyday this week. I took 10 minute breaks. I washed and folded my clothes. Yes, these are very mundane activities, but I see them as me showing up for myself. I may not have been as productive as I wanted to this week, but despite the many challenges I still got out of bed, exercised, and cooked. Although I have been struggling to get going with my school work, I am taking small steps to get back to that motivation and excitement that I had at the beginning of my program. I was told that “motivation follows action.” I am going through the motions, taking action and staying hopeful that motivation will follow.

Thank you for reading,

~Janay

Learning The Difference

Over the past year I’ve learned so much about myself. I now know what I stand for and what actually makes me happy. I have better coping techniques to help deal with my anxiety.

One thing that helps me with my anxiety is knowing my triggers. It is very easy to get into “your feelings” aka downward spirals when you don’t know your triggers. I used to have downward spirals frequently. They are not fun and hard to come out of. It’s just a vicious cycle. 

Lately, I have been triggered by the feeling of not being good enough. Usually school triggers me to have those emotions. Sometimes I feel like I am failing or not growing because I have those thoughts. Am I actually failing or struggling?

Let’s learn the difference

Personal growth is not linear

Struggling: not failing, working to achieve a goal, having setbacks but continuing to push forward, subjective

Failing: not meeting a required quota, more objective

I tend to use failing more than struggling. If I didn’t do well on a quiz, I tend to tell myself that I failed, on the other hand I still have a B in the class. I may have struggled with the quiz, but I didn’t fail the class. I may have felt like I wasn’t good enough, but that doesn’t overshadow how much I have grown over the past year. I may be struggling with those feelings, but I am not failing.

As I am starting a new quarter in school, I hope to keep the difference in mind.

Continue to learn your triggers.

Enjoy some of the photos from my vacation. I’m reminiscing because I want to go back lol

As always thank you for reading,

~Janay

A Day Outside

Black and white pictures= Serenity.

These pictures are from a day when I left my house. I went to a used bookstore, had vegan ice cream, and went for a walk through the city. With work and school being at home it’s hard for me to remember to go outside. This summer, my goal is to go on more walks.

*Side thought*

I have been setting small goals for myself each week and month. This has been helping me see my progression each month and analyze what I can do better the next week or month. How are your New Year’s Resolutions going? I don’t set New Year’s Resolutions because by time June come most of those resolutions have been forgotten. I believe that you can set a goal for yourself any time of the year if you are willing to fully commit to it. It feels more realistic this way. How do you feel about New Year’s Resolutions?